January 26, 2008
coucous bomb
"Someone who reads from a wide range of genre, someone who can cook exotic food, someone who can sew, someone who can do housework... Are these what you are looking for?"
haha...
No.
Though I must say that combination sounds charming, too.
So, if you read quite vastly (already verified by me), I know you do housework (Ibu Kos) and I think you can sew (all those years staying overseas... c'mon!), is the tns delivery of Mediterranean food supposed to prove a point?
Are you trying to charm me??? After making me feel terrified last night.
*gapes in shock
Haha... Thank you, Bao-er! Smells wonderful. I will eat them for dinner soon and lunch tomorrow too.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:16
I am everything.
Or anything.
I don't really know. And I don't really care.
"Do I need to talk?"
Hell, no!
I try not to talk unless I'm being paid for it, e.g. showing off how much more I know to my students. Other than that, it's books, tv, dvds, music, shopping, food and sleep. I don't want to talk about the past, not how I feel, not how I'm moving on or not, not anything like that. I don't even want to think about it, if I may.
But thank you for asking.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:20
Slut
GQ: You just take it that I'm very hard up for you to come down, ok?
me: Wow. You really miss me, don't you?
GQ: Whatever. Just come down. You said you would come join after dinner.
me: No. I did not. I said I'd check on you after dinner but I did not promise I will join you.
GQ: I don't care, just come down.
me: You are really wasted.
GQ: Just come down lah... It's so rare that I ask this of you, right? I don't make such demands on you.
me: True. You are really just dying to see me, right? And you really want me to go and annoy the hell out of you.
GQ: Ya, I'm like a slut now. Begging you to come and I'll even pay your cab fare down, pay for your drinks and I'll pay for your cab fare back ok?!
me: You really sound like a slut. But I like.
GQ: So, come down. Now. Ok?
In the end, I was almost flagging a cab to go to Robertson Quay with Emman. And this slut-pita said we'll meet another time cos his friend couldn't drink anymore (since they started drinking at 1.30pm). In any case, he owes me one.
But I really liked how desperate he was. haha
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:09
Therapy faux pas
I told Janet that the first few months following a break up is the most detrimental to the bank account.
In the 3 months after breaking up with Kay, I bought, among many others, 4 pairs of shoes (more than what I would buy in a normal half year), went to Hong Kong (for the 5th time in my life - really unnecessary) and purchased the most expensive commodity in my list of posessions - Saintnity. The bonus from MOE came in very helpful and timely, I must say.
Retail therapy works. Period.
When Janet came home with a plastic full of christian CDs and books (including one on how to pray), I knew there has been a gross misunderstanding. Either that or I really just can't communicate with my sister-who-is-a-christian.
I'm traumatized. She has failed her therapist - me.
"How to pray"? Ya, you tell me. How to pray!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:40
January 24, 2008
Incorrigibly incorrigible
But because it's you, anything goes. There is no norm. Do away with the norm.
I'll pretend I didn't hear the bit when you jinxed yourself. After all, you have to shed your quota. Really. Otherwise, it might just be taken away from you. What a shame that will be!
Effort on improving handphone etiquette noted. Kindly keep up the effort.
Have a brrrrery good trip in Beijing, Bblics!
p.s. Saintnity has recovered from the satiated cache syndrome. Apparently, it's working fine now. Except for internet banking. I am choosing to point all my fingers to the bank. Stupid waste of time.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:06
January 23, 2008
Clear your bloody cache
I know some online operations are somehow affected because I haven't been able to clear Saintnity's cache. Not that I did not bother. In fact, I clear them every week. But, there's still a prompt saying that my blardy-cache is full. And I know this is just a good opening to the crashing of Saintnity. My internet banking refuses to work 'cos of this blardy cache thing too.
So, if you know how to, really, clear the blardy-cache, would appreciate if you drop me a comment.
p.s. do not tell me to delete temp internet files n folders. 'cos I already did that, thrice.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:31
Delusion of stability
It is, indeed, scary when all along you have been under the blanket of a stable relationship, in the seemingly sturdy arms of someone who (you are convinced) is going to stay around for a much longer time, and out of the bluest blue, he decided to pack up every little trace of himself in your life. And, following that, denounce the relationship and set his status to 'Single'.
That, is a major screw up.
Do not let the feeling of being stable and reliable deceive you, lead you by the nose right up to smell the gates of heaven and then, release its cruel clutches to see you fall through the clouds, indefinitely until you even stop believing you would ever land somewhere.
Because a stable relationship, especially one that you begin to believe you can rely on, is said to be an unrealistic, and hence, not a normal one. Some people, like myself, do not deserve a normal relationship. Because we get illuded too easily by the ideal of commitment and stability.
This is for you to remember. That I said this before. Even if you do not buy this and continue to turn to your prayers.
Life's too short. Have fun. Stability sucks.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:05
January 21, 2008
Lonely fun.
I want to hold you tight. I just want to die in your arms.This blog has been existing for 4 years and 8 months. This is one love relationship that has lasted and is lasting.
Been feeling out of sorts the past few days. Especially at this time now. Especially when the TV's off, the lights in every other room in the house off, the thick silent space only permeated by the sound from the fan and music from Class95. The many vehicles of distraction concentrate in slumber and the fun's over.
I wish to know the person who's feeling exactly like how I'm feeling now. I know the person is out there. Maybe very far. Or much nearer. But yet to meet. When we meet, hold on tight, keep silent; let's just cry.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:48
January 17, 2008
Saintnity is traumatized
My sis, Janet has been using my laptop since the desktop at home stopped functioning altogether.
I came home to christian songs playing from my Saintnity. Janet said it's online radio. An understatement, of course. It's online christian radio station!
Poor Saintnity! I think she needs therapy.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:10
A move
The chronicles of the other reality got moved. To a bazaar of delusions. haha... Nice, right?
Thesaurus online found 'delusional contentment' a synonym for 'dreams'. But not all dreams give a sense of contentment. Some dreams leave you waking up desiring more. That's so cruel.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:07
January 15, 2008
Holding on to smoke
Why is it that pain and hurt always feel much more intense, both in dreams and in reality, than happiness?
Or is it just me?
Nothing is really more miserable than the memory of happiness. If only we could choose to only remember the pain and the unhappy. Then, every next moment can so easily be an anticipation of comparative happiness.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:02
January 13, 2008
Read in all
That world out there, this landscape we are looking at now, through this window, will start to seem good to us, and different from the way it is now - so different that we aren't even allowed to imagine it yet. It's just that I'm tired of waiting. Because in the early days, I was always waiting for a miracle.
Hard Luck ~ Banana Yoshimoto
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:16
January 10, 2008
Read in all
She was still there inside me now, just as she always was: a life put on hold, a memory I didn't know how to handle.
My memories solidified into a mass of any number of different images and cast a relentless shadow on my heart.
~
Periods in our lives end the way seasons change. That's all there is to it. Human willpower can't change that - which means, if you look at it another way, that we might as well enjoy ourselves until that day arrives.
Hardboiled ~ Banana Yoshimoto
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:31
Classic Jancy
I got that from a short msn chat session with Hadrian earlier. 'Classic Jancy'. I like the sound of that. All those classical quirkiness and bizarre (mis)interpretations.Like...
juxRebel says:
man i was only 24 when i'm 1st came hk
everywhere you breathe, it's lying through your nose says:
and i was only 23 when i first knew u as a fren. look how many years the curse has been sustained!
juxRebel says:
haha if by curse u mean honour
everywhere you breathe, it's lying through your nose says:
no... i think very good frens, frens u can count on, are actually a kind of curse. the kind of curse u just need cos life is fuck up. the reason why u ve them in ur life implies that your life is bound to get fucked up. so, it's life's idea of fairness.. compensations. so, the more darling frens i have, the more my life is destined to get heavily fucked.
Think about it... it kind of explains why Paris Hilton doesn't have much
real friends.
Life is short. It's not easy either. That's why we need a lot of friends. For diversions, for distractions, for engagements, for entertainment, for support, for shoulders, for hugs, for having fun, for the loneliness in passing time.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:20
The step their legs missed
It's the look in their eyes, the way they stopped in their track, the excitement bouncing off their eyes. Told me I have not been forgotten. My appearing in front of them that almost made their day. Some of them didn't even so much as reacted but just came over and chatted as if they've been keeping in contact with me all these time.
What is 2 years of much crap and fuck-ups?!
Seeing these people, these old but dear ex-colleagues again makes the past 2 years feel nothing but an ambiguous shadow I can just leave at the door.
I wish someday, if we meet again, we would have some of that enthusiasm in seeing each other. If that's not the way we remember each other, not the way we would say 'hi' to each other, then perhaps we are not worth each other's time yet.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:20
January 05, 2008
Charmed by the night
The most puzzling, and to me, one of the most terrible, thing has happened.
I took the lil yellow flu pill yesterday night, just before I went to bed. I'm under the weather a bit. Naturally, as stated in the prescription, I expect to feel drowsy and slip into deep sleep.
But, no. I remained alert and found it difficult to sleep. The last time I looked at my watch yesterday night, still expecting to fall asleep anytime, my watch showed 02:40. Of course, eventually, I fell asleep. I'm guessing it was close to 4am.
That was bad. This is BAD. When you can't even rely on a medicine that's supposed to make you drowsy to do just that.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:01
January 04, 2008
into where it started...
Yesterday, I walked into Pathlight since I left some 2 years ago. I went in to fetch my student out for tuition.
Of all persons, the first person I met on the way in was Denise. She was driving out. We waved at each other, she stopped her car and I went to shake her outstretched hands *think... Thank you for voting for us...".
Anyway, when I told her of my 2 years shuttling between different employers, and then, my conclusion that corporate is not for me, she laughed and said, "Ya lah, you and your ideals lah..."
*think... talk about ideals! She's in politics ye! All those advocation for efforts for people with special needs...
She offered to gladly take me back should I ever want to work in the school again. It was a very nice thing to say. Really. But, no. I think I'm quite happy doing what I'm doing now.
When I was giving tuition at the void deck just outside the school, I met many xcolleagues who were on their way to the bus stop. Caught up with most of them.
Honestly, it's really nice. Most of us don't get the time to catch up much at all, over the past 2 years. But, when we met yesterday, it felt like the two years were a mere 2 days. These are people I've really enjoyed working with, learning together, whining and complaining together and most of all, having fun with, in spite of it all.
Like it or not, it's true. It was a transformational journey. And Kay only having been a part of it. Just a part, not the whole.
It has started to be easier for the past to be left behind recently.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:00
January 01, 2008
Pte Ltd memory
Yes, it was my custom to blog on nye. To reflect on the year quickly in passing before the countdown. But, that was the custom that I did not keep yesterday. Simply because, I didn't have anything to want to write about. I tried thinking back on 2007. Tried reflecting like... any personal thought of the year? Like... any strongly felt emotions to note down? Like...
And the answer was consistently, 'not really.'
So, I didn't. I abandoned the custom.
What happened in 2007? I made two resignations. One last (so, hopefully permanent) career switch.
I was so disciplined in getting myself distracted. First away from pain and crying. Then, away from the misery of memories. Then, just because it was getting easy and a fantastic way to pass time rotting with hours of DVDs, books, lame pokes on facebook or simply, lying in bed, thinkin of really nothing.
Am I recollecting the year passed now? Jeez. But that's really about all.
xxx
We were talking about the passing of a year, and 'tis is from Kyn...
and tell u what...when ur whole life gets on a tape & its fast forward this whole yr is just only a mouldy part of the film that slows the whole movie down.xxx
This year, I want to be as non-productive as last year. Except when it comes to the work that feeds me.
Outside tuition, I want to go to cafes in the mornings and read. I want to lie in bed, watching TV series on my laptop. I want to continue blogging badly and mundanely. I want to go party occasionally. I want to sleep.
Actually, non-productivity is tiring. I already don't think I have enough time for all these. Good. Good.
xxx
I want
a new handphone
a new and chic set of earphones
a few new dresses and skirts
a few pairs of very handsome pants
an unlimited supply of Royce chocolate
a new Kate Spade bag (kindly refer facebook)
a holiday out to Europe with my Mum
I need
a windfall.
Seriously.
xxx
Bblics resumes in scaring me with her long-term posting in Shanghai/Beijing. On the other hand, I would have less occasions to spend money if she's away.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:37